Facing the Past

This is probably not the easiest post to write – and one I kinda hope G doesn’t read because I know it will probably upset him a little… but its something we have had to face as a couple and I felt it needs to be shared.

From the start, both G and I were upfront with eachother about our pasts – the path we’ve walked, the mistakes we’ve made… his openness initially helped me to be equally as vulnerable and the shared transparency in turn built an almost immediate Trust. This blog in itself has also opened us up for several conversations… so at this point, there is little we don’t know about the other in terms of ‘mistakes’ and previous relationships.

I’ve been asked several times whether G is as squeaky clean as I profess to be – and without airing his dirty laundry, the simple answer is no. Make your own assumptions with that… last night after church we were once again talking about our pasts and G shared details from his previous relationships. I am not going to lie: it was tough listening to him speak about girls who he had had such strong feelings for… the selfish part of me was… well, jealous for want of a better word. Suddenly I was faced with the reality that although he is pretty much the only man I have ever really loved (the few infatuations and temporary crushes seem so insignificant in comparison), I am not the only woman to have had his heart.  And that’s a really tough thought to face. A vague concept of ‘past relationships’ is very different to hearing how much someone was loved or the future he had considered with them… and yet, the other less selfish part of my heart was left astonished that these girls didn’t recognise the absolute gem of a man they had had – that they had rejected him so easily and consequently missed out on what could have been theirs for the taking. And then the fierce protective part of me rises up, getting indignant at the hurt that he went through and the scars that I’ve been left to love. Despite all of it, I’m the lucky one. I’ve been able to know and love the man made stronger from his past hurts; I’ve been given the privilege to walk beside him as he steps out in faith (not only in learning to lead our relationship, but in starting his new business too) and I know I get to share not only his present, but his future too.

And yet. Isn’t that the very picture of Grace? That no matter how messed up our pasts, Jesus somehow takes all that hurt and bad choices and loves us beyond that – that despite the past, we find redemption in His death and resurrection. And then its Done; the past is behind us and we move forward into the Hope and Future that we find in Him… much like G and I: our pasts are behind us and right now we celebrate the Present Moment together (3 months today whoop whoop), looking towards  the Adventure that Jesus is leading us on, together.

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The Battles we face

Before I write this excruciatingly personal post, may I begin by saying: I am simply sharing my story, the journey I have walked and the personal decisions I have made in my life – I realise these may be vastly different from anyone reading this, and respect that you may have a different point of view.  My intention is not to judge or assert that my beliefs are somehow ‘right’ or ‘better’… they’re simply the ones I chose to live my life by and have lead me to this point.

{Also, possibly a necessary disclaimer if my mom or dad is reading this… sex may be mentioned during the course of this post – you may want to think about whether you want to continue reading this or not… yip, single Christian girl is talking about sexual desire; can you feel the religious spirits twitch??}

Okay, now that I have your attention…

When I was young, I made a decision to ‘wait for my husband’ in the sense that I wanted to get married as a virgin, in a white dress.  How archaic right? Let me explain my choice: I knew that on my wedding day, standing before the man God had chosen for me, I wouldn’t be able to give him my heart and say he had been the only man I had ever loved. I would be lying. I have given my heart away – wow, I have basically thrown it at men who have either misused it, rejected it or simply been none the wiser; I’ve had my share of heart ache.  No, I knew I couldn’t say I had honoured him alone with my heart… but I could present my body to him and say I had chosen to keep that pure, choosing at times to die to self and all those very human desires (and strangely, creepy offers from both dodgy and slightly appealing men alike) and wait for The One. Yeah, those kind of ideals are great when you meet the love of your life at 18 and get married at 19… but wait I did.

Because I was so resolute in that decision, I believe God really did protect me in many ways. I look back on various situations and relationships and can only explain it as God must have kept me in a protective bubble and shielded me from a lot of temptation. So honestly, I have never really struggled with physical temptations in relationships and the concept of lust was always just slightly well, abstract.  The battle I faced always centered around my heart. I was continually walking a fine line between being content in Jesus and desperately wanting someone to love me; the need for affirmation that I was vaguely lovable was at times incredibly difficult.  And its not often spoken about in church circles, other than very twee comments about Contentment (usually spoken by happily married women who had no clue what it was like to be facing those questions of inadequacy and apparent rejection or worthlessness).

The morning I sent G that PM on Facebook, had begun with my usual ‘tea with Holy Spirit’ on the couch.  As I was spending time with Him, I read a prophetic word Lana Vawser had released that morning, focusing on 2 Chronicles 20:1-29 where the king was facing a battle that he could not win.  Because he chose to honour God and trust Him, he was victorious and reaped incredible rewards.  Lana’s word continued saying that people were entering a season of incredible breakthrough, and that in the very area where God intended ‘spoils’ (treasures), the enemy was trying to steal and destroy.  I heard Holy Spirit say very clearly that the battle I was (and always had been) facing was over my heart… and hence, my finding the courage to obey and send that PM…

What amazed me was the moment I stepped into relationship with G, there seemed to be an acceleration that should have terrified my over-analytical mind – and yet, because I knew this was such a ‘God-thing’, I had the most inexpiable peace. I didn’t have to ‘guard my heart’ (such a well-used Christian phrase) with G – because it was completely lost (found) in Jesus.  I had nothing to fear. I think we had been dating for two weeks when G revealed the depths of his feelings for me – that he was in this for marriage. From that moment onwards, my heart was completely and utterly safe – I had found Home.

And the battle shifted focus. And I realised how the battle for my heart had been child’s play in comparison to what lay ahead of us: the battle for my purity.

Years ago I had highlighted a seemingly random verse in my Bible – Song of Solomons 3:5

“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

This verse has often found its way into my thoughts and guided me through many could-be relationships.  But it was only in really ‘relating’ with G, that I was suddenly realizing the wisdom in this verse… awakening love is a very dangerous thing to do – love is powerful and at times, uncontrollable; its a force that can (at times) be overwhelming (I am still referring to the emotion here), and demands a response or physical demonstration – and that’s where, well, the arousal, suddenly became very evident. I will be honest, I was probably just a little smug and over-confident stepping into this relationship; I mean, I had this self-control of physical aspects down right? Oh, so wrong… with Love’s awakening, came the natural desire to express that emotion and suddenly boundaries were being established, pushed, redefined and discussed – continually. And I will admit, I was the one to push the boundaries that bit harder than G ever would – his need to protect me clearly exceeds my own!

May I just throw in a little side-note: we have not lost the battle, but I am constantly aware that we really are in a battle against an enemy who would love to see me and my precious testimony of trusting God with this relationship be destroyed. I am in no way saying we have this boundary/ physical restraint thing sorted – I’m not even claiming I have complete victory in this area.  We struggle on a daily basis.  I am simply speaking what Holy Spirit says to share… and I cringe at the thought that someone is actually possibly reading this?! But the thing is, wanting to express love physically is such a natural desire and I don’t believe its got anything to do with lust (within our context) – we love eachother deeply and it only seems to make sense to me that I would want to give G every possible aspect of my heart, soul and body as an expression of my love for him… but, we are not married.  Yet.

It has become our most repeated saying, that ‘One Day…’ we will enjoy this or that, but not now.  That one moment of instant gratification (even as an expression of honest, pure love) may be amazing in that moment, but when compared to the blessing of Forever beyond marriage, it seems so silly and insignificant.  Together, we have made a commitment to ourselves and to God that we would choose to honour each other (and Him) and our future marriage by waiting for One Day. Is it easy? Definitely not.  Will it be worth it? I really hope so… so, how do we cope?  We communicate: with eachother, with people we walk in accountability with… it never ceases to amaze me that every time something is brought out into the open, it suddenly loses its hold over a person.  Walking in purity means walking in the Light; and constantly being aware that none of this is possible without Holy Spirit’s protection, strength and redemptive grace.

Battle for purity (3 of 3)