This is probably not the easiest post to write – and one I kinda hope G doesn’t read because I know it will probably upset him a little… but its something we have had to face as a couple and I felt it needs to be shared.
From the start, both G and I were upfront with eachother about our pasts – the path we’ve walked, the mistakes we’ve made… his openness initially helped me to be equally as vulnerable and the shared transparency in turn built an almost immediate Trust. This blog in itself has also opened us up for several conversations… so at this point, there is little we don’t know about the other in terms of ‘mistakes’ and previous relationships.
I’ve been asked several times whether G is as squeaky clean as I profess to be – and without airing his dirty laundry, the simple answer is no. Make your own assumptions with that… last night after church we were once again talking about our pasts and G shared details from his previous relationships. I am not going to lie: it was tough listening to him speak about girls who he had had such strong feelings for… the selfish part of me was… well, jealous for want of a better word. Suddenly I was faced with the reality that although he is pretty much the only man I have ever really loved (the few infatuations and temporary crushes seem so insignificant in comparison), I am not the only woman to have had his heart. And that’s a really tough thought to face. A vague concept of ‘past relationships’ is very different to hearing how much someone was loved or the future he had considered with them… and yet, the other less selfish part of my heart was left astonished that these girls didn’t recognise the absolute gem of a man they had had – that they had rejected him so easily and consequently missed out on what could have been theirs for the taking. And then the fierce protective part of me rises up, getting indignant at the hurt that he went through and the scars that I’ve been left to love. Despite all of it, I’m the lucky one. I’ve been able to know and love the man made stronger from his past hurts; I’ve been given the privilege to walk beside him as he steps out in faith (not only in learning to lead our relationship, but in starting his new business too) and I know I get to share not only his present, but his future too.
And yet. Isn’t that the very picture of Grace? That no matter how messed up our pasts, Jesus somehow takes all that hurt and bad choices and loves us beyond that – that despite the past, we find redemption in His death and resurrection. And then its Done; the past is behind us and we move forward into the Hope and Future that we find in Him… much like G and I: our pasts are behind us and right now we celebrate the Present Moment together (3 months today whoop whoop), looking towards the Adventure that Jesus is leading us on, together.