I sometimes wonder if the SA Lockdown was really Corona-induced or the result of God answering the prayers of a desperate mother, asking Him to make a way for her husband to be home more to help her with the crying baby… so despite the cut in our finances, I have embraced the lockdown, simply because it meant hubby was home. Its been amazing – lazy mornings followed by an easy-going daily routine of Family. I needed it.
We thought things were improving, until our 6 week check up.
Bug had still not gained enough weight – she was a good 700g shy of where she should be on her baby growth chart. We were crushed. And that wasn’t the worst of it; the Dr identified her having a heart murmur. I didn’t know what that was, but I cried. Nobody wants to be told that their baby has a defect; especially one with her heart.
This is perhaps another turning point in our journey – the one where we resolutely set our faces to Health and seeing our daughter grow from ‘failing to thrive’ to hitting that green zone with a flourish of fat rolls. But it would take every feed at a time. We met again with Jackie who created a personal feeding plan for B, and gave me advice on how to increase my milk supply. For the first time in 6 weeks, we had a Plan and for me – Hope. I felt empowered. And, for the first time, dared to think that the overshadowing fear might be conquerable. That was the Thursday before Easter.
On Good Friday, my husband and I broke bread together. We felt it was a prophetic declaration of Christ’s blood and redemption over our family, business and Bug’s health. In my heart, I prayed that by some Easter Miracle she would gain 40g – maybe even 50g if my faith could be stretched – a day. God is the God of the Impossible, right? On the Tuesday morning, we visited our GP to have Bug checked out and he weighed her for us. She hadn’t gained 40g. She hadn’t gained 50g – she had gained 100g a day over the weekend! Don’t tell me my God doesn’t take care of His little ones? We were in awe.
We went to a new pediatrician to have Bug re-examined; what a completely different experience! It felt like we were suddenly being surrounded by God’s best for us – doctors who loved on B and encouraged us. I finally understood what it means to have life breathed into your desolate situation.
Month 2 saw things begin to turn around for us, but I think the greatest turn around was me – I finally allowed myself the chance to breathe and let go of the burden I had been carrying. I let go of the Responsibility and overcame the Anxiety and Fear. And in doing that, I began to fall in love with my daughter. For the first time, I got to play with her and enjoy her and not feel incredible guilt or shame or failure when I held her.
That was my personal turn around.